Ode To Christmas – Santa’s Tale


A little context – I wrote this 20 plus years ago. You will notice the news references are not remotely recent. It was for a job I had at the time. The job was in the research field and my coworkers knew I was also an artist. They bosses would pay me once a month to create a coloring book that my coworkers could color in as they achieved certain goals. It was a few extra bucks I needed at the time and I also got to have some fun and draw for it so I used to do it. Well during Christmas time one year I sat and wrote this little … whatever it is …. with the intention of drawing it out as the comic book for the month. I had it at work one day and the people started reading it. The bosses did not like the idea of me drawing such graphic images which I tried to explain I could soften. Long story short I never drew it… But I still have this part of it ….


T’was the week before Christmas
some two months after Hall’ween.
I’d been living on dog food
in an apartment in Queens.

As I paced round the room
trying hard not to care
That Christmas was coming

I’ve loathed this fair season
a bit more each time round.
The commercialization
telling me love abounds.

They tell me people dance naked!?
And that some of them sing!?
They all go to parties!?
They all care about……Things!?

And they care about people
they don’t even know!?
That just can’t be factual
I’m sure it’s not so!

I’ve read the newspapers
I’ve seen the TV.
And I’ve heard about OJ
and Tonya breaks knees!

“What’s this to do with Christmas?”
you ask…quite surprised.
I say…”crime has run rampant,
the rates are quite high.”

If it were not bad enough
through the rest of the year.
At Christmas the rates
nearly double I fear.

So tell me…please tell me
what Christmas could mean
when robbing and killing
and anarchy reign.

And O’er at the church
guess who’s there on this night.
I’ll bet you it’s vacant
save some visage of Christ.

They’ve prob’ly filled up some manger
and lit it just so.
They then spread round some cotton
to simulate snow.

They get a porcelain Jesus
and add three wise men.
Prop up Mary and Joseph
like Barbie and Ken.

In her Malibu beach house
With her Vette and a spa.
Is this a fitting picture
for the son of GOD?

They’ve all forgotten the meaning
of this very fine day.
To celebrate Jesus
would get in their way.

Of their buying and selling,
of their markets, and shares.
Again..I must ask you
“why..oh..why should I care?”

Well I’m sick of it now
I’m happy to say.
I’ve decided to end it
it stops on this day.

Oh…I could climb a tower
with weapons galore.
Pick off innocent people

I could get liquored up
and drive my truck through
the front door of a mall
take out a Santa or two.

Or join the post office
get myself my own route.
Then shoot me some colleagues
get a pension to boot.

I could…take out my aggression’s
in any old way
but Santa’s my target
his deer and that sleigh.

I hold him to blame
for what’s come of this season
I’ll see that he pays
now you must see my reasons.

He’s clearly not normal
an aberration, of some kind.
I firmly believe that
he’s out of his mind.

He lives there at the pole
where he works on this scheme.
He takes our place with our children
in their hearts and their dreams.

He leaves us just sitting
outside looking in
wishing we could take part
in the lives of our kids.

He lives with tiny li’l elves
this guy we call Clause.
That visual alone
is enough to give pause.

Not to mention the reindeer
and poor Mrs. Clause.
My God! What goes on there?
Do they not have laws?

Well it all falls to me
well…to me and my group.
I’ll take down this Santa
with my mercenary troop.

They are here with me now
and believe me they’re pissed.
It was “Soldier of Fortune”
that supplied me the list.

Some are killers, some robbers
some just from the pen.
I never did claim
they’re intelligent men.

But they are trained to kill
and are really quite willing.
They just need to focus.
To know who they’re killing.

I’ve turned this ragged group
into a killing machine
the likes of which
hasn’t been formerly seen.

So we leave late tonight
for the frigid drop zone.
In a twin engine Cessna
we picked up on loan.

Under cover of darkness
just like we had planned.
We then followed our mission
without fail…to the man.

Mike got the elf near the door
Lloyd the one near the shed.
Joel would make certain
the reindeer were dead.

He aimed very slowly
and then pulled the trigger.
He shot Dasher, and Dancer,
and Prancer, and Vixen

Then Comet then Cupid
went down in a heap.
Last came Donner and Blitzen
without one little peep.

Then something caused Rudolph
to look up from his bunk.
But this didn’t matter
for Rudolph was drunk.

His reflexes were slow
as he got up to go.
That red shiny nose
just a pink little glow.

But enough of a glow
for Joel to set sights.
On poor little Rudolph,
So Rudolph,….Goodnight.

Then off in the night
there arose such a clatter.
We all ran towards it
to see what was the matter.

And there in the snow
was a sight; you should see.
Santa……..Buck Naked!
But armed to the teeth!

We hadn’t expected
this jolly old man
Had enough ammunition
to lay waste to ‘Nam.

A maniacal laughter
which soon filled the air.
left a feeling of dread;
of hopeless despair.

Mike went down first
and Lloyd went down after.
Their deaths punctuated
by an increase in laughter.

As bullets did fly
A sucking chest wound claimed Joel
But not before saying
“Take down that Asshole!”

So I sucked up my courage
and loaded my gun.
Crawled out of my foxhole
to have me some fun.

The old guy was quick
you could see in a glance
but I couldn’t help wishing
that he’d worn some pants.

He blew off a clip
but he aimed a bit low.
And I tucked and I rolled
as I dove in the snow.

He fired again across
the top of the bank.
About then I was wishing
that I’d brought a tank.

He yelled at the top of his lungs
“Who are you?”
I told him my story
for a moment or two.

Then quite unexpected
he let out a sigh,
he said “I cannot believe
you’ve been listening to lies!”

He said “put down your gun
and come here for a while”
As he stood there buck naked
wearing only a smile.

I thought of my youth
of the joy Santa brings.
I thought of the presents
the happiest things.

I thought of the Carols,
people joining in song.
I thought what am I doing?
Could I be wrong?

I stood up from my cover
stared straight at this man.
This buck naked purveyor
of filth ‘cross this land.

This defiler of truth
this creator of blight.
I drew my conclusion,
his death would be right.

I pulled up my gun
as I yanked on the trigger.
But there he stood…naked…and smiling.
Go figure?

It dawned on me then
as my round pierced his chest.
He knew he would die,
he knew it was best.

It has now been ten years
since I took Santa’s place.
I’ve got me new reindeer
and the elves are replaced.

I guess it was silly
to think that one man,
had been here through it all,
had conceived of this plan.

Now each year during Christmas
I pass out the toys
To deserving children
some girls and some boys

and I wait…and I wait
for the time will soon come.
To face my replacement,
and his loaded gun.

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