Thanksgiving with the Candidates, all Thankful


Gathered together in the spirit of the day this thanksgiving the 26th of November, 2015. Together among us today we are honored to have the current candidates running for the President of these United States of America. In the tradition of the holiday and in accordance with the esteem we hold each of our honored guests I would like to ask that each one take a moment and share what it is they are thankful for on this brisk fall afternoon. Would you do us the honor Dr. Ben Carson.


“I, Dr. Ben Carson, would like to take this time to give thanks that in the many years since the first thanksgiving we have grown wiser and we are no longer forced by misguided political correctness to include among our ranks any Muslims, Buddhists, Pagans, or their kind as their digestive needs and methods are inconsistent with the manner in which we, as good Americans, would kill, consume, and digest this Christian fowl. I would add that it brings joy to my heart to know that in excess of 30,000 deserving humans have given their lives to gunfire since last thanksgiving, that we may avoid the repugnant and morally bankrupt concept of background checks and, God forbid, the denial of even one clinically insane christian  member of this great nations right to slaughter their co-workers, classmates, or even strangers if this be their wish. Thank you God, and Obamacare is slavery.”

“Thank you, and now maybe a word of thanks from Mrs. Clinton.”

“Hello, and thank you. Today is a day to give thanks for all that we have here before us. Wait, what did you say over there? Are you suggesting that I was responsible somehow for the deaths of these turkeys? I know nothing of these turkeys and was in no way responsible for any actions regarding their security or. Wait, what now? I have no electronic documentation that has not been given over to the turkey review committee and no, there is nothing in the electronic documentation regarding any particular video. yes, he is a family friend, and no I do not like people my family befriends really. I only speak to him because it is something forced by social convention. Frankly no I am not thankful to be here. I am not thankful for you sorry pieces of garbage, and no I do not consider any of you worthy of cleaning the dog shit out of my … Oh, you’re recording this? Well as I was saying you people are my dearest friends and colleagues and I wish you all a wonderful holiday.”

“That was…Interesting, Thank you Mrs. Clinton, could I get a word from you Mr. Ted Cruz.”

image“Certainly, but, before I give thanks on this wonderful holiday, which normally I hold at my home on the second Monday of October as all good Canadians do, I would like to say. Thanksgiving for my family, growing up in Cuba in a small community of underfed people with nothing but a thesaurus to consume and a distant dream of a nation to exploit, and, well, this is why I have stood up against the senate, and the house, and the democrats and republicans. It is why I stood against the air we breathe and the water we drink. It is why I oppose the word oppose. It is why I stand with the good Pastor Kevin Swanson in his quest  to bring religious liberty to this great nation by incinerating gay and lesbian people. It is why I am thankful that as a Cuban, born in Canada, and raised in Texas, that my communist ideologies can couple with my overly nice Canadian anti-death penalty sentiments and be wholly expressed as a kill everything that moves, 2nd amendment worshiping, secede from the union, anti-immigrant immigrant. It is why I have decided to oppose myself. I also oppose this food.”

“That does explain some things Mr. Cruz, you may be seated, or leave. And now Mr. Donald Trump, a few words.”

trump-apprentice-cartoon“Ah yes, thankful, what am I thankful for? I, Trump, the greatest candidate God has ever given you people, am thankful for; myself. I am, after all, the greatest thanker there has ever been. The thankers now, these thankers here at this table, all loser thankers, just not good thankers. I am also thankful that I have an endless supply of batshit crazy ideas to sell to you’s people. I think the wall, the keep out rapist Mexicans and make them build a wall was pretty good. I got a new one now, borrowed from Hitler himself but I have improved it as we will be forcing Muslims, you know those losers, to wear ID badges and enroll in a database. I am looking into other great thinkers like Pol Pot and Stalin, great leaders these guys, looking to see what other racist and patently insane policies I can turn and use against other liberal or loser citizens of America. just cause you’s a citizen doesn’t mean you’s a citizen you know what I mean. 14th amendment be damned in Trump’s world. Make America great again like during the time of internment camps and the KKK. And if we have to rough you up then maybe you needed roughing up. Give me some Turkey woman!”

“Thank you Mr. Trump, very insightful. And next, Mr. Bernie Sanders will you be so kind as to tell us what it is you and yours are thankful for this day?”


“Most definitely today is a day to be thankful in that, we have before us a feast fit for, well, for too many people. We have here a feast that, well, this is crazy, we can’t eat all of this. Please people with the serving trays, put them down and take some of this food here. Grab a plate, and yes take some for the people at home. And hey Trump, this waiter guy likes your suit, take it off, give it to him, looks better on him anyway. Who killed these birds anyway? These birds did not need to be killed, it is not fair you get to kill birds they do not get to kill you. The system is not equitable. You! Bird Killer! You need to die now to even out the dead bird, dead people ratio. Yes, the families are allowed in, let them through the barrier. Put down the guns! this is a gun free zone and an eat as you wish zone! Thankful? I am not yet thankful for any of this, let’s see who gets fed. You.. typing … yes you … give me that computer ib;tysawjknj   szn wwe yktdlfu agagga


Kevin Hartranft – 

One thought on “Thanksgiving with the Candidates, all Thankful

Leave a Reply