Homeopathy and the 3AM Wonder Cure


Another operation down and yet another amount of money directed into the health care monster. My hand is swollen and stitched closed so typing is about as much fun as viewing a lesbian porn marathon with the Westboro baptist church, or for that matter, doing just about anything with the Westboro baptist church. I thought though, given the sheer amount of dollars that we sink into various health issues, necessary and otherwise, I would talk a bit about homeopathy and the “off the beaten path” route to health so readily available to we late night cable TV viewers.

trixie-and-milo-flask-snake-oilHomeopathy is looked upon quite often as the witch doctor, snake oil salesman, level of the health remedy cornucopia. If your desire for weight loss, or a clean colon, or a cure for diabetes, or sore joints, or hair loss, or myriad other ailments has left the beaten path of 8 to 5 weekday cures and prescriptions located at the local Doctors office, or pharmacy. If you instead find yourself at the Saturday night 3AM outlet for the desperate then maybe homeopathy is your shining beacon in the distance, your hotel 6 as it were.

Science will tell you run away. The skeptics everywhere will scream that these are not cures but money sucking black holes for the gullible. Often these cures come in the form of some root or berry from some remote island in the south pacific. You know the one. The island is rarely visited by humans but on it grows the plant that, until recently, no one has payed the least bit of attention too. This plant however holds miracle cures for 37 of the 25 (yes it cures 12 of them twice) most perplexing ailments known to man. We all know, and love, the infomercials.

I was once involved, by my then wife, in one of these elaborate health adjustments. Apparently my colon had blockages. The infomercial explained that my colon had foodstuff lodged in it from as long ago as the mid 1800’s. I needed to remove this particular stuff they explained, as to do otherwise threatened world peace and allowed this small fuzzy Asian pet some kid had to mutate and multiply creating havoc and humor for all involved. Wait, maybe part of that is the plot to Gremlins. Anyway, my then wife assured me that her anger would multiply if I didn’t do this with her so there you it, I was the perfect willing, married, case study for “Let’s pretend to clean your colon, LLC”.

k2-_453b4639-eaaa-45c1-b907-6ae864befa70.v1The cleanse required I not eat anything for a certain period of time. Next we were to consume like 75 or so of these green seaweed like pills every few hours for three days accompanied by some special concoction to make this all so very palatable. After a few days of this, per the instructional video, if we were doing everything correct we should see our colon cleanse itself as long green stringy seaweed craps would exit our bodies evidencing our colon no longer contained the aforementioned refuse from the mid 1800’s. I also believe I was not supposed to realize there might be a connection between the 3000 green seaweed filled pills I had consumed and the stringy seaweed refuse exiting my rear but instead, I was to be caught up in the magic of the moment as I returned to a level of health never before experienced by any since the extinction of the unicorn. Unicorns, it seems, were exceptionally healthy, right up to the point where they all went extinct.

Long story short I have no actual way to verify that my colon is markedly cleaner than anyone else’s but I should note that ever since I did the colon cleanse, over a decade ago, I take time each day to crap out more of those damned seaweed pills as I read in various magazines how colon cleanses like the one mentioned hold no positive effects for anyone but the guy that cashed my check.

All that aside though I will say that to be completely skeptical about homeopathy and the benefits of good nutrition is probably not the way to go either. The vast majority of medicine as we now know it had its genesis in the study and use of plants, and berries, and techniques derived from the witch doctor or medicine woman or shaman as the case may be. Because we have refined the method and tagged it with a lengthy Latin moniker does not change its roots. And setting a bone or stitching a wound has remained remarkably the same over time. But there are also reasons to be cautious, and even downright skeptical.

extraordinary-claims-require-extraordinary-evidenceI believe it was Carl Sagan that often used the phrase “extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence” or something close to that. In this he isn’t wrong. If you claim to have found a magical root on a remote island, so be it, but prove these magical results. Claiming they work alongside a host of people in lab coats with no actual degrees in anything is remarkable only in the lengths you will go to mislead me at 3AM. It is 3AM after all, I am tired, probably a little intoxicated, and unwilling to watch much more than the headline of your infomercial, the significance of your lab coat wearing extras is lost on me anyway.

And you can sell me all the magical weight loss supplements in the world. We should all know by now that weight loss is simple arithmetic. Eat fewer calories than your body uses. The reason America is overweight is not because we lack a miracle pill it is because we suck at arithmetic. My weight + 3 pieces of pie – 3 jumping jacks = more than my weight at the start of this problem. Find a supplement that teaches us that.

Having said all of this I will add that I am a firm believer that our current medical system is designed to create customers and not cures. The diabetes industry alone generates billions a year and the first person to break that capitalist dream is going to sleep with the fishes I am sure. And it is possible cures exist in things we already are familiar with. What I also believe is that no one is selling these cures to me at 3AM, because if you had the cure for obesity or diabetes you would rate a much better time slot, or none at all, depending entirely on who you tell first.


In the end though you will probably feel better if you eat a balanced and nutritional diet and couple it with at least moderate exercise. You will feel better probably if you get outside and enjoy the day as opposed to being trapped in a cubicle at work. You might live longer if you practice kindness to those around you and lower your stress levels by expecting nothing in return but your peace of mind. Tie your well being to yourself and not the validation of others. Do these and other bumper sticker related sayings and get some sleep. TV is bad for you, especially at 3AM on Saturday. Well, gotta go, got some seaweed runoff on its way.



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