Happy Halloween!! But let us take a moment on this wondrous holiday to imagine ourselves trick or treating once again. I imagine today, trick or treating in an affluent gated community filled to the brim with current political candidates. I imagine their homes all massive and brightly lit for the most part. Myself, dressed simply as a ghost, with a sheet draped over my head and two eye holes. My friends in various costumes depicting superheros and such. I carry my paper grocery bag from home to home as we brave this spooky tradition.
The first house we come to is devoid of decorations and the porch light is off. I knock on the door and Rick Santorum answers. He is bathed in a back light to simulate an other worldly presence it seems, but then someone closes the fridge and it is gone. We say Trick or Treat!!! This in no way amuses Mr. Santorum and we are lectured for the next 47 minutes on the Druids, which it turns out, are not an Irish rebel band as we were once led to believe. It seems these Druids were anti baby Jesus or something. It seems that, unbeknownst to us the Druids are making us worship some Satan fellow, which is like an anagram for Santa but hell, what do I know. It turns out Mr. Santorum will not give us candy lest he anger God. We leave, secure in the knowledge that the remainder of this evening is no longer about fun but instead about the damnation of our souls.
The next house is much brighter and decorations abound in gold surrounding very shiny one way glass panels. Large letters spell out TRUMP above every window and door. We knock and a man, adorned in an odd wig, answers. Trick or Treat!! we shout as Donald Trump greets us. Donald assures us that, while he has nothing for us at the moment, he is the greatest provider of candy and Halloween products and decorations that God has ever given us. We assure him, “we got stiffed at Santorum’s and we want candy!” Mr. Trump explains he is currently in negotiations with Nestles and, as he is the best deal maker God has ever produced (“just read my book” he adds), candy will soon rain from the skies. We leave Mr. trump assured that God is using him as a conduit to supply humanity with greatness.
Still empty in our bags we move onto the next, more humble, abode. A few modest decorations lie about in the form of an emaciated black cat and recyclables in a biodegradable bag decorated as a pumpkin on the porch. We knock and say Trick or Treat!! as Mr Bernie Sanders answers the door quite disheveled dressed himself as a crazy scientist seemingly about to summon free electricity in the form of lightning to re-animate popular ideas from foreign lands. Mr. Sanders explains, he has no candy for us right now as he has given it all to the government. This government thing, he explains further, will redistribute the candy in a fair and balanced way to those in need and away from those that can afford their own candy. We ask Bernie how this is fair at all. His explanation takes 125 minutes and we leave with bags of graphs and pie charts explaining the inequities in the system.
A bit disillusioned at our adventures lack of any candy we nevertheless proceed to the next home in line. A modest home with no decorations but, well lit. We knock and Dr. Ben Carson answers as we say trick or treat! (we are losing our enthusiasm) and I dive for the cover of a nearby shrubbery as a large gun is aimed at me. Dr. Ben mumbles something about a burqua and then that he does not support Muslims as trick or treaters as it violates the essence of the Constitution of the United States. I assure him it is a ghost costume and not a burqua and he calms briefly. He explains that begging for candy is tantamount to Nazi’s and slavery. We ask why. He says “that is just a left wing media trick to ask questions that people do not understand…” He continues to mumble things we do not understand and we slip away during one of his many pauses. We leave, frightened, candyless, but still determined.
The next home is decorated with all the normal Halloween trappings. It is brightly lit with carved pumpkins and stuffed clothes representing the seemingly dead body of a human slouched in a chair with the name Vince Foster pinned to its chest and “this could be you!” scribbled underneath. We are impressed and knock on the door. Mrs. Hilary Clinton answers the door dressed as her interpretation of the first ever female president. Trick or Treat!! we say (adrenaline after last place still working) and Mrs. Clinton answers with “what exactly are you accusing me of? as I have no knowledge of this trick or treat situation.” Confused, we explain there is a holiday called Halloween and we explain what it entails leaving out the extensive history supplied by Mr. Santorum. She asks our ages and, upon hearing we are not of voting age she says she has nothing for us. “Perhaps” she says, “if you contribute to one of my many foundations I could work something out where you could receive a special candy contract from the government if this would be acceptable?” After fishing in our pockets we produce about $1.37 among the group and hand it to her. We receive no receipt as she says records are not necessary but we shall be hearing from someone within the next few months regarding the candy. [Editors note: since this writing 2 of the children have perished under mysterious circumstances. No further information currently available but a special house committee is being created to get to the bottom of this.]
This continues at the remaining homes as Mr. Huckabee and Mr Jindal give us much the same speech as Mr Santorum. Mrs. Fiorina explains to us that Halloween has been responsible for multiple atrocities and assures us there are videos depicting this information easily available on the internet. She implores us to watch them. Jeb Bush explains that he knows nothing of this Halloween we speak of but assures us he does know his brother kept us safe from it. Marco Rubio was so busy drinking water, seemingly dehydrated beyond imagination, that he could not adequately explain to us any of his thoughts or feeling on the holiday. Eventually we ran out of homes to go too.
We never did receive any candy. We never did really understand much of anything any of them had to say. Some were amusing, others charming, all off their respective medications we decided. Next Halloween we will be going to the subdivision down the road with the normal people in it. We have heard they just give out candy and keep their insane rhetoric and false promises to themselves.