Become a Republican Front Runner, for Dummies.

web-Republican-SplitWe have quite a crop of candidates this time do we not folks. So many so that the debates are split into adult and kiddie table sections. in fact we have so many candidates the polls, limited by the 100% thing because of how numbers work, have many of them running at 0%, which really means less than 1%, but regardless it is still damned low. So how, just how, in the early stages of the race, have the front runners become so?  

Because you know I’m all about that base
‘Bout that base, no treble
I’m all about that base
‘Bout that base, no treble

You got to cater to that base somehow, would be the easy answer. But how does one do that when one is running for the GOP nomination? Judging by the three most successful candidates as of 10/05/15 one would could easily draw the conclusion that there are two ways, but both arrive at the same destination.

0First you could take the route of Donald trump. He seems to understand that the base is not located at political fundraisers for 5000 dollars a plate. Trump recognizes the base is on social media. It is there in force. It posts its opinions en masse making clear what positions one should then say into the nearest microphone. Tell them what they want to hear and they will come.

The next route is Carly Fiorina’s. Her route to the top is entirely accidental but reaches the same people. She seems to truly believe the things she says and they just happen to overlap with what the base posts regularly online. I do not think there was intent on her part, she is just fortunate enough to believe a bunch of things about herself and issues in the world at large that are not really true. And the base here is nothing if not bored with facts. The base, in fact, considers facts to be politically correct swill that is expelled from the bodies of disagreeable life forms sent by Satan, or Obama, or both.

Dr. Ben Carson is the final member of the current front runners, but not in the least the least. His rise to the top seems to be a combination of Trump’s catering to the base on purpose mixed with Carly’s accidental espousing of flawed beliefs. The main difference with Carly’s approach here seems to be that once the good Dr. realized his unusual statements about Muslims, and The Constitution, and Global Warming, and Evolution were resonating. Once the good Dr. who’s life was based in science; medical science. Who saved lives, and separated conjoined twins with his knowledge of medical science. The same good Dr. that espoused religious values and freedom of religious beliefs in relation to Christians and cake baking. Once he noticed his anti-science rhetoric and anti-Muslim fervor were gaining him attention and popularity, he ran with it. The polls rewarded him.

So what is it the base approves of? I would say, if we go by right wing memes and blogs and comments on posts that they believe in fear. After all, the base has been fed a steady diet of this fear for quite some time.  This is standard operating procedures for political entities as postulated by H.L. Mencken.

“…the whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by an endless series of hobgoblins, most of them imaginary.”

So what we need to become a world class GOP front runner are a bushel of imaginary yet frightening pseudo facts. A dash of reality to make it believable. At least one scientist to explain that the remaining hundreds of thousands of scientists are incorrect. Some fairy dust kind of eye of newt like sparkly bits, a microphone, and a few hundred million dollars wrung from the sweaty corpses of your constituents.

mix the ingredients together, spin the information around till you are dizzy enough to vomit. Then you approach the microphone and let ‘er rip. This is known in political parlance as projectile conversation. It is both messy and odoriferous but necessary if one is to vault ahead in the polls.

Keep calm, remember, immigrants steal jobs, illegal immigrants are turned into instant millionaires by the gubberment. Obama is evil and you must disagree with the very breath he exhales, as well as any other autonomic function he has. Global Warming, Evolution, The Big Bang theory, and now, Water on Mars are likely Satanic principles brought to you by Lucifer’s minions as they dance about on the grave of our lord and savior, Ronald Reagan. Gay Marriage, while having no direct effect on you or your life, will destroy the fabric of marriage before God, under God, as it has stood since before recorded time, since before religion, since before organized religion, since before like … God. And Muslims are the epitome of all evil as, unlike Christians, some of them commit crimes. And never forget, you love your bible, your Christian faith, and your savior, Ronald Reagan.

Amen. And yes, I accept the nomination.

 

 

One thought on “Become a Republican Front Runner, for Dummies.

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